Ok, so you guys might be wondering what the previous post was all about.
It's time for me to put an end to my self-denial, and just come clean with you all.
Yes, I have been feeling very, very low. And sad. And down. Emotional. Upset. Angry, even.
Y'see, I am suffering from an acne outbreak.
Now, before you write it off as me being very vain and fussy about a few zits on my face, I am talking about a full fledged acne attack. So many times I have flipped through articles about adult acne without so much of a bat of eyelid. Never would have thought I would end up as a victim.
My skin has started deteriorating early this year, due to stress, an unhealthy lifestyle (lack of sleep, lack of fruits and vegetables etc), and also 'cause I started incorporating very rich and moisturising products into my beauty regime-- 'cause I was so worried about how aging and stress would affect my skin. All these took a toll on my skin, and I started seeing tiny bumps on my skin. About 2 months ago, a friend introduced me to a product which was supposed to clear my skin. I started breaking out after using it, and innocently (stupid), I embraced the break-out, 'cause I thought breaking out would clear the impurities trapped underneath my skin.
And then the break-out became more rampant. They became angry monsters, taking over my face. Over the past month, my skin has became so bad that I don't even want to go out. I have became so self conscious, and all I really want to do is to put a paperbag over my head. I don't want to go to work. I don't want to see any of my friends. I don't want people to look at me with a gasp of horror, and ask me the much dreaded question, "What has happened to your skin???"
I went to a skin specialist on Monday, and he told me to go on Roaccutane. Roaccutane. Even the name sends a shiver down my spine. Not in a good way. I came home to do some research on the drug, and I got really scared. There are many literature on the drugs, and the list of side effects is endless. Still in denial, I ask my self, is it really so serious? Do I have to go on the drug?
I got even more depressed. My skin was A-OK last year. How has it suddenly come to this stage? Why me? Why now? Why this? The worst my skin has ever been was when I was 12, and puberty struck. And even then, it was nothing close to what I am going through now. Why do I have to feel ashamed when I meet people I know. Why do I have to try to use my hair to cover my cheeks. Why do I feel that everyone is giving my pitying looks. Why do I have to avoid mirrors. Why, why why.
Then yesterday, I talked to someone whom I least expected to suffer from acne before.She has taken Roaccutane before, and apparently she goes through acne outbreaks every year, but it's just something that you have to get a control on. She talked to me about the drug, told me about her experience in conquering acne. About ways to change my lifestyle, ways to change my mentality. And one thing she promised me, is that my skin will be better. And my inferiority complex now will be a thing in the past.
So I went to another doctor today for a second opinion. Similarly, he prescribed me the same drug.
So that's it, folks, as of today, I will be on Roaccutane. For approximately 3-4 months. Dry lips is something I will be expecting. Weight gain is a possibility. Great, just when I am on a diet. And get this, people, no contacts for as long as I am on the drug. Fuck man. I have birthday parties, Halloween, dinners, trips coming up, and I am supposed to be stuck in glasses. This may be worse than acne, omg. Mood swings are apparently on the books as well; sorry, boyfriend! :/)
How am I supposed to dress up in spectacles, I don't know. I may have to change my whole wardrobe. T__T And identity wtf. T___T
In case you are wondering how is my skin like now, here are some picture from yesterday. All the pictures are not photoshopped, and if you click and enlarge the pictures, you will be able to see my skin problem very clearly. :(
I think this picture best depicts my skin condition. Don't lie, it's really quite bad. :(
And mind you, this is with make-up on, without make up, my skin looks worse. :((((
Cut-off sleeves geek baby print tee: Singapore
Black origami pleat drape skirt: Isetan
Pearl and gold chain layer necklace: Diva
Black and cream maryjanes: Singapore
Bag: Marc Jacobs
Sorry for the lousy outfit picture. It was either that or this wtf.
I will be on the drug for approximately 4 months. Goodness knows what is in store for me in this period. But all I can tell myself is to be strong, and all this will pass. It's easier said than done though, 'cause I have never foreseen the psychological impact of a skin problem would be so severe. Some days when I am feeling really low, I ask myself, how can people love me when I don't even love myself now.