but I have broken up.
For a long time I have debated with myself,
whether I should divulge it in my blog,
because really, I am not obligated to.
And I don't like prying people.
But then again,
who am I kidding.
For coming to 5 months,
I have not made any mention of a boyfriend,
so it really shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone.
Most importantly,
I just want to be honest with myself.
And to some of you,
who have been so concerned over me,
flooding my inbox with caring emails,
asking me to take care,
to remember to smile,
to be happy,
yet never once demanding to know the reason behind my emotional entries,
at the beginning of this year.
Sorry I have not replied those kind emails.
I guess,
even till now,
it's difficult to admit to myself,
and to others,
that I have failed;
that we have failed.
Nevertheless,
it's really time I am honest with myself.
Part of this entry was actually written along my birthday entry the day before,
I guess it has something to do with a new year, growing up, coming of age,
that makes me that much determined to come clean.
I feel like a weight of burden is off my shoulders. :)
I am ok.
Just like how some of my friends who had have their hearts broken before have warned me,
there are ups and downs.
Some days, I feel all dandy and that I can do this,
but there are nights when I get swallowed by sorrow.
But the ups overweight the downs,
so I guess I am en route to full recovery.
:)
There was a time when I forced smiles and laughter so that the people who loved me would not worry,
but I can place my hand over my heart now,
and tell myself that,
every smile,
every laugh,
of mine,
is genuine,
and comes from the left side of my chest.
It's not necessary to document my entire growing experience in this ordeal,
though I think of my blog as a diary, a record of experiences.
Simply because they are kept in my head and my heart;
the very two things that I have been using to help me be stronger.
Everything happens for a reason,
and though sometimes it echoes like a lame excuse in my ears,
deep down,
I know it's true.
Life has been too good for me,
and facing a trauma like this only humbles you,
and open your eyes to the people, and the things that do care.
And oh well,
having my heart broken,
just makes me that much human.
No one goes through a traumatic experience like this,
and remain the same,
and I am happy to say that,
I have grown so much,
that not only have I became stronger,
I would also like to think that I have became a better person.
At the very least,
I have rekindled precious friendships,
that mean so much to me.
So there you go,
some of you who have been asking me the secret to my weight loss.
Have your heart broken,
and the rest will come naturally.
;)
************************************************
Joke aside,
I just want to be happy.
Which was precisely the wish that I made when I blew the candles the day before.
No Chanels,
or little trinkets,
or pretty satin dresses.
'Cause one thing I have learn is that,
happiness is intangible,
and is really a state of the mind and the heart,
as compared to the state of your bag collection.
It could be a good joke,
a perfectly baked char siew puff,
a beautiful morning.
Lovely friends,
loving family.
:)
Truth to be told,
my birthday felt like any other day to me,
mainly because I started it with work (was working past midnight),
and worked till 10pm on the actual day itself;
so essentially I only had 2 hours to celebrate,
before I gave up the crown of being a birthday girl.
I spent the 2 hours (and the hours beyond that),
sipping red wine and champagne,
have my friend serenade me with a pool cue stick wtf,
got a 'chanel' trinket (white chocolate strips arranged to be a double C -_-),
wearing a dangerously low-cut dress (in my defense I wore a cardigan during working hours) and have my colleague tell my that if we were in a club, he would picked me up in a heartbeat,
singing emo songs arm-in-arm,
splitting into team Malaysia to belch out Belaian Jiwa and Mungkin Nanti.
Laughing my head off at my Singaporean friend who read Malay words just as how he would pronounce it in English, singing 'sendiri' as 'sen-dai-ri', pronounced 'coba' as 'cobra' WTF.
It was a little strange to not be celebrating my birthday with my ultimate loved ones,
but nonetheless,
it was lovely to to be with this core group of people that I have came to love in Singapore.
When the entire trauma happened earlier this year,
I wasn't able to go home as often due to work commitments,
and it was them who told me hopeful stories,
sent me encouraging texts,
had 4-hour long lunch breaks with me wtf,
organised drinking sessions for me,
and basically was just there to make sure I am alright.
:)
What can I say,
I am a lucky girl.
Not so lucky in certain aspects,
but overall,
a blessed, loved girl.
And really, what more can I ask for. :)
