I had a conversation with a friend recently, a friend whom I have only met twice when the conversation took place. He told me that he thinks that I was a shy and quiet girl when I was younger. The comment completely threw me off-course, and I was beyond shocked.
It is true.
I was a very shy and timid child, even in my early-teens. I remember being afraid to even greet my relatives when I see them, that was how introverted I was. I remember entering a story-telling competition when I was in Standard 1, and when I went onto the stage, my brain froze, and I forgot the story that I was supposed to relay. I was almost in tears, and my class teacher had to come onto the stage and gently usher me down the stage. Needless to say, I didn't win the contest. I used to be a mousy kid, and I didn't dare talk to guys. Hell, I was even shy to look at them. I was always in the more popular gang ('cause though I was shy, I still had my sense of humor, thank god), but I was always the least visible girl, the girl hidden in the shadows. I was plump, I was pimply, I felt uncomfortable in social settings.
But the thing is, no one could ever tell. I told this to Smalls, and even she was surprised; she said she didn't imagine me to EVER be shy. I think it happened some time in Form 2. And though I can't put a finger to when the process took place, but just one day suddenly, I was no longer mousy, I was no longer quiet, I was no longer scared. And though I won't claim myself to be a social butterfly, now, I am not afraid to meet new people (I revel in it), I am not scared of speaking in public (it empowers me to have people listening intently to me), I don't feel like a deer caught in headlights when the topic of the conversation turns to me (in fact, I like being the center of attention, heehee), I am not stricken with fear when I go to a party in full swing and I don't know anyone (I just go right up and introduce myself). I speak up. I take on dares to climb onto the stage in the middle of the mall. I have one of the loudest, most embarrassing laughter. I ... stopped caring what people think.
But, nonetheless, I was so thrown off-guard that someone could see through all the changes that I went through. I thought that my past was well-hidden, almost buried. And to have someone see through that, it is unnerving. I felt exposed, naked, vulnerable. I let out a nervous laughter after the punctuation of my friend's comment, but truth was, I wanted to hold him by the collar and ask him, how did he see it? Is it because I still have traces of shyness? Is it 'cause I am still gawky around people? Is it lurking in my eyes? WHY, HOW?
I never did ask him that question.
I guess partly 'cause I am afraid of the answer. But most importantly, it's the powerful revelation that it's all part and parcel of me. The fact that this mousy little girl, could blossom into what I am today, strong, confident, unbreakable; it is a magical process, it is an incredible feat. The fact that I have came a long way. The fact that because I was someone in the shadows, I am more considerate and kind to those who has less attention paid to them. The fact that I place utmost priority on confidence, and I always tell my girlfriends that confidence is the most beautiful thing that they could get their hands on. The fact that because I was once the ugly duckling who was shunned, I am more grateful for who I am today.
The fact that with clarity, I realised that, this is me.
